I Never Met a Veggie I Didn't Like.....
Until Now
by LuluJones
Last night for dinner, I was served some very yummy scallops in béchamel sauce and a quiche of some kind of vegetable that I couldn't exactly pin point. That bugged me enormously because I’m normally pretty good at figuring out food. It was so tip-of-the-tongue vaguely familiar with a texture of perfectly cooked cabbage and potato, and tasted sweet with a very light nutty flavor, yet it was strangely mysterious to me. This veggie in question, however, was tasty, in any case. I asked what it was and the response was this: “tarte au topinambour.” Quoi? What's THAT?
Much to my unmastered French chagrin, I had to look it up in the dictionary. The translation of topinambour in my beat-up from overuse French-English dictionary was, 'Jerusalem Artichokes.' (Also known as Sunchokes) Quoi!? I’d NEVER heard of those! And I thought I’d heard of most vegetables if not all of them, or, or, or, at least had seen them in the market or something! But, no. I now understand the feeling behind the blank look of people when I talk about daikon.
Back to the Jerusalem Artichokes, AKA Sunchokes. Ok, so I'd never heard of them before. My stupid ego had a sort of mini-shock. (Yup, I thought I knew EVERYTHING!!) :-) No matter. That's perfectly all right because despite how exquisite the taste or how delectable was the tarte aux Jerusalem thingies, I simply don't think I’d engage in any more ingesting of the Jerusalem kind. Why? I’ll tell you - and you won’t regret it.
These undisclosed (until recently) tubers (yes, they are, in fact, tubers like potatoes despite their misnomer) will never (no, never) again touch my face, let alone go into my mouth as long as I have control of my own will.
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Beware!
In exactly two words , I’ll reveal why I really have no desire to seek out these little known (for a good reason!) veggies from the infernal land of...Texas, ever again: MEGA GAS. No, I can describe it better in 8 words: HELLACIOUSLY NEVERENDING FARTS THAT COULD KILL A MAN.
I’m not talking about the usual wind here and there or even a round of some innocent flatulence after a Mexican meal involving refried pinto beans. No. You see, some occasional farting is perfectly natural. So those of you who've ever said, "I like green peppers (or whatever your wind-making vegetable is) but green peppers don't like me," just cut it out. Cut it out, right now. That statement has always gotten on my nerves and now more than ever. People simply do not know because until they've met Monsieur Topinambour, they have no idea behind the TRUE meaning of gastric problems that drive you insane from the inside out.
I’m here to warn you to STEP OFF AND WALK from the Jerusalem Artichokes - or better yet, run like a crazy madman or delirious madwoman AWAY (far, far, FAR away) from the sunchokes. I mean, come on, the word, 'sunchoke' has red flags written all over its mal-formed body. When you hear the words, “eat” and “sunchoke,“ admit it, those two words should never EVER go together. I mean it. Don't take these words lightly.
You may be thinking, "I’ve never seen those things, anyway, and I may never even come into contact with them." Tant mieux! I say all the better for you and your calm, happy digestive system. However, I have some bad news for you.
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While these things are relatively unknown now, I have a feeling they will slowly but surely (and sadly) creep into the mainstream, suddenly appearing in prodigious heaps next to your staple potatoes or cauliflower or other opposing, non-caustic veggie because upon a bit of investigation, I’ve learned recently that 1) they taste good - dire consequences notwithstanding; 2) they are prolific crops and are very easy to grow. Do I hear a big KA-CHING ringing in the ears of farmers worldwide? 3) they are highly nutritious with lots of anti-oxidants; and 4) they are unknown, hence, may be marketed as "exotic." Do I smell the sweet yet gaseous smell of a "trend" wafting this way? (OH MY, PLEASE, NO.)
Of course, you are free to do anything you want with things. It's just that I, as a person with a pulse and conscience, am merely sharing with you (what I believe deep in my heart) some essential knowledge that could possibly be quite beneficial to you in the future. I’ve read the articles and reviews of the Jerusalem Artichoke and they are all positive editorials, so being the conspiracy theorist that I am, this fartful cheerleading thing regarding the vegetable offender is, well, a CONSPIRACY (at least some important info was suspiciously missing). Don't fall for it, I’m warning you!
Later on, if you happen to be invited to dinner by anyone, just make sure you have all the facts before you agree to go.
I know, I know, you're still somewhat skeptical about my appraisal of sunchokes and couldn't possibly refuse a highly healthful, deliciously subtle nutty meal. Its novelty, uniqueness and even nutritional value are not worth it, you've GOT to believe me. Yeah, you'll be oooh-ing and ahhhhh-ing but shortly after you and the people within close proximity to you will be singing another song.
Lulujones is an American freelance writer living in France, and currently recovering from a bout of Jerusalem Artichokes.
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